Considering how bizarre last year was in so many ways, predicting the events of 2026 may not be the best idea I’ve ever had. On the other hand, pretty much anything could happen, so let’s have some fun with the crystal ball, shall we?
Shortly after taking office and facing the city’s enormous budget deficit, New Orleans Mayor Helena Moreno decides to seek new revenues by placing tariffs on goods imported from Jefferson Parish. Among her targets are Grand Isle oysters, Zatarain’s spices, Haydel’s king cakes, and all Renaissance Publishing magazines. Jefferson Parish President Cynthia Lee Sheng retaliates by slapping tariffs on Urban South beer, Community Coffee, Aunt Sally’s Pralines, and the Orion spacecraft. Consumer complaints force the two officials to back down, but not before another nail goes into the coffin of regional cooperation.
Thwarted on this revenue measure, Moreno seeks new city funding via other methods, including installing tolls on the Mississippi River, requiring residents to obtain “pet licenses” for all cockroaches on their premises, selling naming rights for city buildings — prompting the announcement of the “IV Waste City Hall” — and conducting a citywide bake sale.
Addressing coastal erosion remains a top-burner issue, especially after Governor Landry cancels every remaining land restoration project. The governor’s suggestion that “everyone should take swimming lessons” does not play well. Meanwhile, ongoing land-replenishing efforts by groups like Glass Half Full are augmented by innovative new measures such as injecting Botox into the marshes and airdropping Rogaine on the vegetation. Sadly, the primary result is hairy alligators with weirdly smooth skin.
In sports, the Saints show signs of improvement in their second year under Coach Kellen Moore, leading fewer locals to sell their game tickets. While this makes the Superdome again feel like a home stadium, the reduced number of visiting team fans negatively impacts Downtown hotel, restaurant, bar and cheap t-shirt revenues. Paper bag sales also plummet.
Inspired by the buzz over the entry of Michelin ratings into the New Orleans dining scene, several imitators attempt to generate their own publicity for restaurant evaluations. One initial success is the Louisiana Seafood Association’s 1 to 4 crawfish scale, but when the crawfish turn out to be imported from China, the venture lands in hot water. Even the Department of Public Works — hoping to generate monies for its substantially reduced budget — jumps in, but its “Four Potholes” designation creates little interest.
The federal government’s decision to stop minting pennies causes a variety of headaches for area businesses. Pike Howard, owner of Felipe’s Taqueria, predicts that the copper coins will completely disappear by the end of the year. “The biggest challenge will be having to explain to guests why they aren’t getting exact change,” he observed. Customers also rue the loss of those “take a penny, leave a penny” containers often found next to cash registers.
Related to this, the revised adage is now, “A nickel for your thoughts” — further reminding unhappy consumers that inflation simply won’t go away. Other inflation indicators include renaming the NFL’s most important position the “dollarback”; renaming the heart of old New Orleans the “French Dollar”; and renaming Interstate 10 to “Interstate 39.95.”
In politics, November’s mid-term elections create considerable confusion throughout Louisiana. The elimination of the traditional “jungle primary” infuriates voters hoping to cast their ballots for candidates such as Tiger Woods and Mike the Tiger. Equally confounding are the new “Jackson Pollock” Congressional districts, which somehow manage to place residents from Dry Prong, Cut-Off, Plain Dealing, Jigger, and Waterproof all in the same district.
These are just my predictions, but if any of this actually comes to pass, remember — you read it here first!
Keith Twitchell spent 16 years running his own business before serving as president of the Committee for a Better New Orleans from 2004 through 2020. He has observed, supported and participated in entrepreneurial ventures at the street, neighborhood, nonprofit, micro- and macro-business levels.
